It seemed so simple...

For several weeks now I have wanted to see the move Buck. I first saw the preview when I went to see Cave of Forgotten Dreams and listened to Werner Hertzog drone on about albino alligators while stalagmites floated in front of my face. Prior to the stalagmites, however, Buck's promised combination of troubled horses and Eddie Vedder soundtrack made me tear up like a little girl (which ended up working for me, actually, once the 3D glasses went on and the trippy cave paintings started popping out all over the place). I knew Buck was both limited release and limited engagement, but accomplishing my goal of seeing this film should have been no problem considering that the only way for it to be more accessible to me would be if "Buck" himself started whispering to horses in my house.

Steps it Would Take to Actually Accomplish my Goal:

1. Exit my home
2. Turn right
3. Walk half a block
4. Purchase a ticket
5. Sit on my ass

It seemed so simple. And yet every time I attempt to execute this plan, I would find a reason to do something else instead. Like do my laundry. Or return my shoes to Anthropologie. "WTF is my problem?" I asked myself, as I ordered new contacts lenses. "I planned to go to this movie all day. So why am I not at the damn movies?" (Did I mention they serve wine at this movie theater???)

Potential Reasons I Have Not Accomplished my Goal:

1. Walking half a block is really hard when my couch is right there
2. I don't want to leave my dog alone for that long
3. I am cheap
4. Going to the movies by myself would make me look like a loser
5. I am concerned that this movie may make me really emotional and crying alone in a movie theater would really make me look like a loser
6. I'm pretending that I can't justify the choice to spend time/money/energy doing something I don't need to do if I can more easily find something I do need to do and therefor can congratulate myself on being responsible without having to risk items # 4 or 5


There is probably an element of all those items woven into my non-Buck-seeing condition, but I think # 6 may actually sum up the mental block I have toward doing a lot of things I want to do but don't. This does not include hanging out with friends (I can justify that all day long) but more the solo adventures that I envisioned myself having all the time when I moved to Portland. This is a neuro crash that is preventing me from having the single-girl-on-the-go life I moved here to have, and one that I need to overcome. It isn't that I am super responsible, it is that I need to place more of a value on life outside my home and my comfort zone and stop avoiding it by pretending that I'll get to exploring the city (or at least the art cinema stumbling distance from my house) once my fish tank is clean.

Did I mention the movie theater has wine?