Remember that time when something you reeeally wanted to happen and thought was going to happen didn't happen and it made you feel like crap? And then the same day a bunch of other stuff you wanted to happen also didn't happen and you started wondering if overnight you had become a loser and the universe was mocking you and no good stuff was ever going to happen to you ever again, ever? And then you decided to blog about it and while you were blogging you burned your toast? Remember that? No? Well, good for you I guess.
You may find this shocking, but something vaguely similar to the above scenario happened to me recently. So today's post is about disappointment. If this were a real blog where I attempted to convey real information, I would have researched whether or not there are actual stages of disappointment (a la Kubler-Ross' stages of grief) and talked about those. But it isn't, so I am going to make up my own. Oooh, or maybe I'll make up my own and then try to locate the real ones and see how close I was or (more likely) how much better mine are. IN YO FACE, real researchers!
Stages of Disappointment (as experienced by Neuro Crash Girl)
1. Very hot and uncomfortable prickly sweaty feeling
2. Sinking heart
3. Numbness
4. Tears
5. Anger
6. Tears
7. Talking incessantly to anyone who will validate that was happened is "totally fucked up"
8. Drinking
9. More talking
10. Microwave lasagne
I think that pretty much sums it up. So now the question is...what next? One cannot sit around sweating, crying, and eating microwave lasagne for the rest of one's life.
It would seem there are two broad categories of action available--dwell or move on--and numerous sub-categories within each. I'm sampling from both, sliding back and forth for a bit. Ultimately this will mean that truly getting over my disappointment will take longer. But I kind of feel like going for broke on this thing. If I have to feel like shit anyway, why not get really into it and ring every last drop out of the experience? The opposite of feeling good isn't feeling bad, it's feeling nothing at all.
Having committed to wallowing around in my disappointment for a while, I'll attempt to share the essence of the self-talk running through my mind as I leap-frog from resignation to rage to delusion to optimism to bitterness (and occasionally flounder helplessly in the murky waters lying in between). In general, I consider myself a blessed and lucky person. Maybe I am not be the most motivated individual in the world (see: every post ever made to this blog), but things generally go my way. Recently, however, I have begun to waiver in this assessment of myself. Did I run out of luck? Or did I accomplish so little with the luck I did have that the universe decided that it was wasted on me and took it away? Or did the fact that I began consciously thinking about my luck make it disappear? Or are all these little set-backs just setting me up for some cosmic payout so mind-blowingly awesome that I had to save up a few months worth of luck just to make it happen? And this is where I think I have to make a choice. Because to truly move on, I think I have to believe that there is a big pile of unspent luck hanging out somewhere, grinning and rubbing its hands together in anticipation of the coming awesomeness. And I think I also have to believe that operating on that assumption will actually make some awesome stuff happen all on its own. But if I don't chose that approach, the likelihood of being disappointed again goes way down because I will have resigned myself to a permanently overdrawn luck account, so any good news would be like a nice surprise.
Having said all of that, I am going to disagree with myself. I actually don't think I need to chose either of those options. I am going to choose a third option which is to get down with some first century Roman philosophy. I'm going with Seneca who shared the wisdom, "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." I like this because it brings to mind an intersection of two necessary conditions, only one of which we have any control over. Seneca also said, "If a man does not know to what port he is steering, no wind is favorable to him." Change that to woman, and I think I have identified a big part of my problem. I have pretty much been bopping through life assuming things will always work out without having a clear idea of what "working out" really means. I can get my luck back...I just need to select a port and stick with that choice. Which is actually the theme of this whole blog which makes it kind of funny that I ended up back at that conclusions when I never intended to write about that at the beginning of this post. Hmmmm.
Things got a bit more serious than usual today, but it has been kind of a serious week. I can't stay down in the mouth for too long, though. First of all, the boundlessly kind friends putting up with me as I cycle through stages 7 and 9 will need a break eventually. And secondly, I need to save my lasagne for lunch this week. And sadness (even carefully cultivated sadness) gets kind of boring after a while. Maybe number 11 on my list should be "boredom." Oh, and in case you were wondering, this is the closest to an official "Stages of Disappointment" list I could find during my 30 seconds of intensive internet research:
- Experience a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, self-doubt).
- Feel a loss of self-esteem.
- Begin to accept the change.
- Acknowledge that you need to let go of the past and accept the future.
- Begin to feel hopeful about the future.
- Feel increased self-esteem.
- Develop an optimistic view of the future.
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